Maybe it's because it's grey and rainy, and my usually favourite season of autumn
is showing its unpleasant damp side. Maybe it's the recent changes in my life, or a
lack of time spent with my Heavenly Father. Or maybe it's just from spending time
in the presence of good friends facing exactly the same sort of questions. But
something about life right now seems to be throwing into sharp illumination the
vague,grey form my life appears to have taken on at the moment. I feel like Rachel,
Phoebe and Monica from Friends in the episode where Rachel realises she has no plan
in life, and Phoebe assents that this stage is 'floopy'. Yes, on one hand, my
freedom means apparent doors of opportunity, adventure, and possibility ahead -
but in real life, it usually means a misty fog lying ahead of me, with no clear
path or even vague light to direct the way.
What is it about this stage of life - post-university, pre-full blown career,
marriage, family - that makes me, us, feel so directionless? Is it just that we're
so accustomed to having life directed by the education system, or the ties of
family, that we are thrown by suddenly having to carve out a way for ourselves, by
ourselves?
This sense of 'floopiness' can seep into every part of life - not just work/career,
though for many of us that's the primary example. My year was one of the last who
was still instilled with the mantra that one should go to university in order to
get a good job. Now we're out in the real world, and this mantra has fallen flat
on its face. Graduates are two-a-penny; degrees appear worthless without
'experience'; that degree exploring how to make the world a better place seems
kind of unecessary when we find our jobs wrapped up in writing e-mails and
ordering stationary. The great, ambitious plans of falling into career out of
university are unmasked as foolish preconceptions of an easy life.
There are all sorts of brilliant talks, books, articles, on guidance, and trusting
God. I'm aware that so many of our problematic doubts or 'floopy' feelings can
transpire because of our desire to know what lies ahead and to be in control.
However, right now, those things don't concern me. I'm not asking for a map-out
of the next 20 years; I'm just asking for some vague sense of where I go next -
in careers, in geographical location, in pretty much every aspect of life. And
I'll admit that I'm impatient; life is too short for me to sit around watching
life and opportunities to live pass me by. Maybe I should accept that sometimes
God only allows the fog to lift when we force ourselves to stop and wait on Him.
At times like this, it is far too easy to allow the bleakness of the weather,
the relative loneliness of post-studenthood life, and the vague mist shrouding
all that lies ahead, to get the better of me and be overwhelmed by it. As ever,
my only choice is to force myself to lift my eyes to Him who has seen the end
from the beginning, and is intimately involved and actually caring about the
direction of my life. I have to stand, and fight as hard as I can against the
strong current which seeks to floor me in the face of uncertainty and options.
I have a choice about the way ahead: I can put my fears and apprehension about
the future into the hands of him who holds it all; or I can be washed up by the
sheer enormity of the choices ahead. I need to choose to be comforted by the fact
that, however I feel on a Monday morning, my life is not directionless, that I Am
Not on my own in this, and that God Is still at work in my life, even if it feels
like He's having an extended tea-break.
I have to continually remind myself that my trust is in Him who is eternally
loving, who doesn't forget, or get overwhelmed, or 'drop the ball' on us.
And that, therefore, my future is in the safest of hands, the most reliable of
Fathers.
"...faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."
~ Hebrews 11:1
